Cinderella - Roald Dahl

The primary reason I grew up knowing that life wasn't going to end up the way the Disney films suggested. 

Especially with regards to the princes!!

Cinderella

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.

 She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!'The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

Poems for Children

Roald Dahl Day 

Hello Old Friends

• The Magician's Nephew - C.S. Lewis
  
• Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf - Roald Dahl
• You Are Old Father William - Lewis Carroll
• On the Ning Nang Nong - Spike Milligan
  
• The Vulture - Hilaire Belloc

Table Of Contents - Poetry

Roald Dahl Day

Happy Roald Dahl Day!!

Stamps

 The sixth annual Roald Dahl day falls today, on what would have been the author's 95th birthday. 

It's been quite a delight to see such an outpouring of love for Roald Dahl on twitter today. Though often a controversial and divisive character; his books seem to be near universally loved - indeed the vast number of tweets that I've seen have been from people totally unable to limit themselves to just one favourite book or fictional character. As soon as you mention one, ten more pop into you head, clamouring for attention and equal acclaim!

Part of the generation who can't recall a time before these seminal children's books, I have such fond memories of being taken by my parents to the local library on a weekly basis to seek these out. We worked our way through the set - in agony when a particular title wasn't on the shelf. In fact, I'm a little ashamed that I used to try and hide them in odd places around the children's section - determined to keep one I couldn't borrow safe until my next visit! For almost every birthday or Christmas, I was sure to have been gifted the one that I had particularly loved - though I'm pretty certain that this choice often corresponded with the one that my parents quite fancied a re-read of themselves! (My father once lent my copy of the BFG to a friend of his who never returned it. Twenty years later - often during a heated (read wine fueled) debate -  this gross betrayal is still raised!!)

While all of his works are intelligent, funny and scary; I hold a special place in my heart for his three books focusing on poetry for children - Dirty Beasts, Revolting Rhymes and Rhyme Stew. Dahl's alternative look at Cinderella, Red Riding Hood and Aladdin had me in stitches. Additionally - in the copy I had of Rhyme Shew; he included some less than flattering report cards from his school days. What a relief it was to discover that he hadn't been a perfect student (either!) and still made good in the end! While I did enjoy his adult works - particularly Henry Sugar - in my mind, he will forever be linked with my mostly carefree and very happy childhood years.

For me, it's impossible to mention his works without acknowledging the wonderful partnership between Dahl and his primary illustrator Quentin Blake - who created such fantastic images that encaptured the spirit of the words so very astutely that I spent as long pouring over them as the words. For many years I was convinced that Dahl actually looked exactly like the BFG.

Roald Dahl also chartered the details of his own fascinating life in two books - Boy and Going Solo - which are as entertaining as any of his fictional works. Never an author to shy away from terrifying his audience - his stories frequently make use of sadistic elders, absent guardians and the trials that children must tackle alone in order to grow - he uncompromisingly recorded his difficult school years and the often brutal punishments doled out by adults and older children. 

His books were adapted onto the silver screen. I am still incapable of flicking past Willy Wonka at Christmas or Matilda at any time of the year (despite the quintessentially English story being made American!), managing a slightly less affection for James and the Giant Peach, Fantastic Mr Fox and the more recent Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. While the casting of the Witches was perfect; I never quite forgave them for changing the story so much! He even wrote a James Bond film!! 


As I mentioned earlier, Dahl often seemed to be embroiled in polemic issues. In public he has often been criticised for the break up of his first marriage; his closing down emotionally after the death of his daughter and his criticisms of Israel (which he always insisted was distinct and separate from anti-semetism, of which he was accused). 
To be honest, I'm not entirely au fay with these arguments. I tend to allow creative works to stand for themselves, usually avoiding learning too much about the private lives of the creators. Just look at how Enid Byton's works have been publicly slammed as her private life has been explored, despite no reduction in their popularity. 
In this case however, I'm prepared to make an exception. After all, Dahl did write two auto-biography's himself. I will be reading a biography of the man behind the laughter this week. I'll let you know how it goes!

Poems for Children

Cinderella - Roald Dahl
Roald Dahl Day 

Hello Old Friends

• The Magician's Nephew - C.S. Lewis
  
• Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf - Roald Dahl
• You Are Old Father William - Lewis Carroll
• On the Ning Nang Nong - Spike Milligan
  
• The Vulture - Hilaire Belloc

Hello old friends

Ok, so this isn't really a blog post, per se...but I hope that you find it interesting none the less!

As I am still on my poetry kick, I've been looking up poems I first discovered as a kid. 

Here are a few of my favourites. 


I'll start with a quickie. CS Lewis, from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, book five of the Narnia series. 

Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter East.

It's almost impossible for me to even think about poetry without immediately jumping to Roald Dahl. His three (?) books of poems were the BEST christmas presents ever!

Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf

As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, ``May I come in?''
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
``He's going to eat me up!'' she cried.

And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, ``That's not enough!
I haven't yet begun to feel
That I have had a decent meal!''
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
``I've got to have a second helping!''
Then added with a frightful leer,
``I'm therefore going to wait right here
Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Comes home from walking in the wood.''
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
(Of course he hadn't eaten those).
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes, and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,

``What great big ears you have, Grandma.''
``All the better to hear you with,'' the Wolf replied.
``What great big eyes you have, Grandma.''
said Little Red Riding Hood.
``All the better to see you with,'' the Wolf replied.

He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She's going to taste like caviar.

Then Little Red Riding Hood said, ``But Grandma,
what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.''

``That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. ``Have you forgot
To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
Ah well, no matter what you say,
I'm going to eat you anyway.''
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, ``Hello, and do please note
My lovely furry wolfskin coat.''

 (I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THESE ILLUSTRATIONS ARE BY Q BLAKE, DAHL'S LONG TIME ARTISTIC COLLABORATOR)

And I wouldn't be me if I didn't include a Lewis Carroll classic!

You are old, Father William

"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, " as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back somersault in at the door-
Pray, what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment-one shilling the box-
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, " and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the back-
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was steady as ever;
Yet, you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

I'm certain that everyone alive is familiar with this one!

 By Spike Milligan 

On the Ning Nang Nong

On the Ning Nang Nong

Where the cows go Bong!

And the monkeys all say Boo!

There's a Nong Nang Ning

Where the trees go Ping!

And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo. 

On the Nong Ning Nang

All the mice go Clang!

And you just can't catch 'em when they do!

So it's Ning Nang Nong!

Cows go Bong!

Nong Nang Ning!

Trees go Ping!

Nong Ning Nang!

The mice go Clang!

What a noise place to belong, 

is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

One we learned in music class and sang as a round, believe it or not. Up until this moment, I had never known that it was written by Hilaire Belloc

The Vulture

The Vulture eats between his meals
And that's the reason why
He very, very rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

Of all the poems in all the children's books in all the world, this is the one that impacts me even now. I'm instantly transported to a quiet still forrest, green and warm but devoid of birdsong; with deep dark pools all around me - each one a portal to a wondrous world, more intricate than I can even imagine. 


Written by the inimitable CS Lewis in The Magician's Nephew, first of the enchanting Narnia series.

Make your choice, adventurous stranger; 

Strike the bell and bide the danger, 

or wonder, till it drives you mad, 

what would have followed if you had...

Poems for Children

Cinderella - Roald Dahl

Roald Dahl Day 

Table Of Contents - Poetry